Every year at the beginning of school my principal asks us to choose one word. This word is supposed to be our "mantra" of sorts for the school year. As you have figured out by now, I am a words person, so I always take this challenge seriously. More on my word in a minute...
Since my last post I have completed all 21 radiation treatments. I still have some fatigue and VERY minor skin irritation but honestly, it's very manageable. So now we are onto the start of school - during a pandemic - after a cancer diagnosis, surgery, and radiation treatments - it's a lot.
I will be honest, I have struggled mentally the last two weeks. For some reason, during radiation treatments, I felt like I was ACTIVELY FIGHTING cancer. That was a positive emotion. After the treatments were over, I entered this strange holding pattern that included waiting for my genetic test results. Today I learned that I am NEGATIVE for ALL 84 potential cancer causing genes! That doesn't mean that I won't have a cancer reoccurrence, but for people who's genetic testing is positive, it's usually not a question of "if" but of "when". Hearing that negative result was a BIG step, especially mentally.
I will now begin taking Tamoxifen for the next five years (at least). More about Tamoxifen here: https://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/hormonal/serms/tamoxifen. Because my cancer was estrogen receptor positive (99% estrogen and 90% progesterone - one of the highest my oncologist has ever seen...of course), this is a logical preventative step. I am young, healthy, and active. Choosing to take Tamoxifen reduces the risk of a cancer reoccurrence in the affected breast by 30-50% and in the other breast by 50%, especially with high hormone receptor cancers. I trust my oncologist, and her guidance echoes that of my surgeon and my radiation oncologist (as well as Dr. Google) so the next part of this journey begins.
Anyway, back to school, this year's word is RECOVERY.
The last live and in-person Broadway musical I saw was Come From Away. It's the true story of a little town called Gander on the island of Newfoundland that became an emergency landing site for planes on September 11, 2001. Why am I talking about this? Because this entire musical is about recovery.
We can't always see that recovery is happening (or even that a person may have a need for recovery). For a person like me, who's cancer was caught early (early detection!!!) and therefore did not undergo any treatment that would show a physical change, the recovery happens inside the body - and a lot of it happens in the mind. There's a song in Come From Away called "Somewhere in the Middle of Nowhere" that is sung when the "Come From Aways" leave Gander for their respective final destinations. The song is about finding your heart in unexpected places. I think for those of us who go through a recovery process, we often have a chance to really find our heart. My heart is slowly learning to take things one day at a time. I am learning that, at my weakest, those that love me the most were strong. I am learning that it's o.k. to ask for help, to say you're scared, to cry, and that sometimes being just o.k. is enough. I am learning that it's o.k. to put myself first, because I can't fill anything with an empty cup. To quote the song "The Prayer" from Come From Away -
Make me a channel of your peace
One day at a time - and I am so grateful for every single day that I have left.